“Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”
–Wiliiam Shakespeare
Today's post is in honor the unborn child we loved and lost in a miscarriage a year ago from today's date.
Dear Abby,
My dear beautiful daughter, your Heavenly Father whispered your name to me before your father and I could ever whisper it in your little ear…. Abigail is your name. Abigail is the word we exchanged for the intense sorrow and grief our broken hearts experienced a year ago… the day you left my womb and took a piece of our hearts with you. While I didn’t know it at the time, Abigail, you see, means “the Father’s joy,” and it is truly the Father’s joy that you added to our lives.
Through you, Abigail, I was able to experience the Father’s joy so much more fully than I ever would have without this experience of intense grief and sorrow. Perhaps, Little One, the Father used your death as much as your life to teach me… Although you never experienced the beauty of the world when you would open your eyes for the first time, you opened the eyes of my heart to so much… to the fullness of love, hope, and comfort afforded me in depths I would never otherwise have known except through the unknown depths of pain, suffering, and sorrow I plummeted into.
It was you Little One, my Abigail, that the Father used to clearly illustrate to me the principle of exchanging death for life…
... of exchanging the ashes of my brokenness for the hope of what beautiful things God might create with such unconventional elements…
... of exchanging my tears of grief and mourning over your death with the ointment of joy over the Life still within me- the Life you and I share- and the joy that, despite these mere moments we are apart, we will soon be together in the present reality of eternity…
...of exchanging my spirit so heavy with despair with the light and beautiful garment of praise for a Sovereign and trustworthy God - praise which, when wrapped around my heavy, hurting, disappointed, and grief-laden heart, slowly began to lift me in the reality and peace that you are wrapped in our Father’s arms, just as you always were... and as I always am.
Through your brief life and even in your death, God used you to birth new things in me, Abby. I have been inspired to live a little more… laugh a little more… give more of myself to the things that really matter and let go of the things that don’t. You taught me to more fully appreciate the miracle of life all around me... to treasure the gifts of each day, each moment, to be spent with the precious lives of those around me.
It was you, Abby, who God used as a light to reveal treasures to me that I didn’t even know I had or was even looking for… treasures that I would only discover in the darkness of an abandoned womb... an empty tomb in my body which will forever echo in my heart with the good news of an empty tomb of long ago... of one our Savior once abandoned. That, my dear one, is an amazing legacy to have left in my heart for such a short life you lived... for you have taught me all that I ever hoped to teach you. You lived your life fully, my Little One, and I am forever grateful.
Little One, my Abigail, you are my treasure forever laid up in my heart and in heaven. I love you.
For Further Reading: Isaiah 61:1-3
Elizabeth, I was deeply touched with this post. Did you write it? If so, you are a gifted writer.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was very young, only 18, I miscarried at 3 months and then at age 20, I miscarried again. I was so brokenhearted. Five years later, my precious husband, Robert died at age 33, and he loved Jesus. I have always sensed God sent our babies to heaven to be there for him in eternity. Just recently I read "Heaven is For Real" which impacted me greatly in that Colton Burpo saw his little sister in heaven, a baby his mom had miscarried. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it. Our God is soooo awesome. Thank you for this blog; I'll keep watching for new entries. Blessings, Marnie
Yes, this is a portion of the letter I wrote my miscarried child. It was very healing for me to do and it is my prayer that it would touch the lives of those who have experienced something similar. I am so sorry you have experienced this not only once, but twice. I cannot imagine the grief of that, let alone losing a husband. I am so sorry for your losses. I am hoping to read that book "Heaven is For Real" as soon as I can- it's definitely on my list of "to-read" books. I read "90 Minutes in Heaven" a couple of years ago and was deeply impacted by it- I wonder if our fears of dying or of having our loved ones die would be dissolved if we fully understood what was waiting for us all on the other side. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I am so blessed that the Lord used my words to touch your heart.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you named Abigail, Elizabeth. I, too, have read "Heaven is for Real," and in it we see that it's important to name those little ones who are waiting for us in heaven. Beautiful testimony. Thanks. Debbie Tweed :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, Debbie. :) At first, it was SO difficult for me to accept the finality of Abby's death when I had already felt God had told me her name just as He had both of our other 2 children. It didn't make sense why He would go out of His way to put a name on my heart for her only to 'take' her from me. I thought, "Why would He tell me her name (confirming it 3 times) only to have her not be born and ever be called by it?" And then, He showed me why when I first heard that quote by Shakespeare at a Women of Faith conference during a drama about a woman who'd lost a baby (although hers was to an abortion). She finally gave her baby a name and began to accept what she'd been denying over many years- that her baby DID live and DID die. It's amazing the healing that began to take place in my heart as I was ok to give my baby her name for the first time. It really helped me with the denial that I would experience from time to time as well... the "Did that really happen? Was I REALLY pregnant? Or did I imagine all of this?" type of denial. Not only did it give my baby the dignity she deserved but it has somehow released me to be able to properly grieve for her.
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